so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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