I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
