You're a womanizer and a bitch.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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