the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
