4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
