..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
