I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
