i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I need to calm my uterus...
Who died my cat blue again?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
