Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
