I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
