I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
