I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
