Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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