Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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