Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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