i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
