I wish my penis had an off switch
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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