I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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