so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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