Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
