what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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