The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
