carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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