I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
3pm strippers are depressing
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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