you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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