I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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