Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
