Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
