I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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