Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
