this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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