You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
