Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
