Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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