That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
