U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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