I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
