happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Floor bacon is actually really good
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
