Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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