I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
