Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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