Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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