using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
