I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
