i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
