The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
