she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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