Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Someone came in the potted fern
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
