Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
