and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
