I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
