1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
