What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
